Cockeyed Absurdist:
When I first started saying stuff online, over at MeFi, after about 6 years of roaming the Internet consuming content, I did it basically for the hell of it, just to see what kind of conversation would happen, or to see if I’d be acknowledged at all.
Then as I got deeper into online writing it sort of precipitated something which took the form of an inferiority complex at first, envy for other’s accomplishments and pursuits. This prompted me to put away some things that I figured were getting in the way of me pursuing more meaningful things(whatever the hell that means), like smoking and drinking, for instance, and try to figure out what my pursuits would be.
Well take away those distractions and you’re left with ruthless self-examination, my freind, and oftentimes you won’t like what you see. I’ve looked at all my “opinions” and “beliefs.” What are they really? Half-remebered song lyric cliches, postures that seemed cool at the time, imitataions of others, carefully crafted evasions of anything concrete.
What I see when I strip it all away is….nothing. Not nothing as in worthlessness, nothing as in void. I just feel this utter lack of definition, this emptiness and it scares me.
This is probably the first time I’ve ever tried to verbalize something I’ve felt most of my life. Do I make sense? I dunno.